A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Massages are Meant to be Relaxing

on November 10, 2012

Massages are meant to be relaxing.  My body needed it.  This trauma work has me all tensed up.  Last month, I had a somatic response during the massage when I was face down…it brought back body memories and then flashbacks from the rape.  Last massage (after discussing the response with my psychologist), I let my masseuse know and I didn’t have any part of the massage face down.  The sun is shining today…I felt okay…I haven’t had any rape flashbacks in 2 weeks…I thought I’d be okay.   He used light pressure, I reminding myself I am safe, I kept breathing…and then the tears and panic crept in.  He immediately noticed the change and stopped.  And in my repeated apologies for my tears, he told me I didn’t need to apologize.  I am grateful for his response…and for letting me cry on the massage table…I just wish my body didn’t remember things so clearly.  I thought since I’d figured out why that position is terrifying, that I’d be okay.  I’d like to be okay.


5 responses to “Massages are Meant to be Relaxing

  1. HopeSanity says:

    This made me cry. My heart hurts for you. This is my first time visiting your blog. I know that desire of wanting to be okay and for the flashbacks to go away. From my sexual abuse as a kid, to the infidelity and physical and verbal attacks in my marriage. But you know what? You will be okay. There is HOPE for us and we will overcome. You are beautiful! God bless you. Keep fighting for yourself. This shows how strong you truly are. I am looking forward to learning more about your story through your blog. Peace, love and hope to you.

  2. nique9772 says:

    I’m praying for you. If you ever need to talk you can always hit me up. I know how it feels to heal from hurt but I do believe God gives us everything we need to make it through. For me it was the love from my husband and the love for my husband and kids. I am so glad you are in therapy. And I am so sorry things like this happen in the world and that you had to experience it. Praying God gives you comfort, healing, joy and love.

  3. lissa says:

    Came apon this blog by accident, or maybe not. Almost 19 years later, any attempt to get a massage still triggers a strong wave of flashbacks, tears, and sleepless nights. Wish I remembered what it was like not to be afraid.

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