A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Sneaking In

on November 8, 2012

It surprises me when Ed sneaks back in…because I never saw him coming…it makes sense…the flashbacks, the emotion, the distracting…and then realizing I wasn’t proactive in meal planning…and I am short 2 carbs for breakfast…which I realize at lunch…The thoughts of “Hey, you’re already off, why not just skip lunch” immediately enter my mind…and I think about this possibility…and realize–although I am not hungry, I am determined to eat and catch up at lunch!  Which I do!  Even though it involved 16oz of juice to meet my equivs!  Me: 5, Ed: Zero

I begin to see that in my incessant distracting, I lose sight of self care…and I treat myself to a facial (my first) and a haircut (because my unhealthy hair from years of restriction and fasting–and especially that big relapse in April/May is breaking).  It felt good to be pampered…and I didn’t lose it when my eyes were covered during the facial.  My PTSD sense of hearing was on super sense–but I didn’t cry or startle (or jump off the table) with my eyes being covered.  This is new.  This must be progress.  Me: 10, Ed…and his trauma friend: ZERO


But alas…distraction and busy-ness keep the tears at bay…and I forget afternoon snack…then remember–past my 3-4 hour limit, but, I remember–because I am HUNGRY!!!!  For someone who doesn’t feel hunger very often, I was pleased. I got snack in….late–but in. Me: 5, Ed: Zero


Onto dinner…I stare and think “What are you in the mood for?” and clearly see that I have no idea.  I do know that I do not want a veggie burger with cheese and a wrap–my go-to–I have eaten hundreds of veggie burgers in the last 14 weeks.  And so–I make stuffing…and spinach…and can add some cheese…now to see where I can grab some protein.  This girl is going to be sure dinner is spot on!!!!!


2 responses to “Sneaking In

  1. This is so encouraging! Seriously. It’s been a month since I was in ED treatment full time, and it’s so good to hear someone say that snacks and getting the right amount of carbs in is important. A lot of people are just satisfied if I eat only anything, and that makes it easier to restrict. So thank you. I’m so glad you had a good day. 🙂

    • I’d started just talk therapy first before doing intensive treatment. And, I said I was “eating”…I felt I was “eating”…I was “eating”. It was certainly more than full fasting. I learned in intensive treatment that it wasn’t nearly enough to sustain my body. I was still in starvation mode. I made it my #1 priority to follow my meal plan…even when I wasn’t hungry (I was never hungry!), even when I thought it would make me fat (in 14 weeks of following it, it has not made me fat), even when ED told me that I didn’t need a meal plan, that it’d be okay to skip a meal, that I didn’t ‘really” have an eating disorder. I took it (and still do) meal by meal-snack by snack. I try to do the ‘next right thing’. And I can say that it is working. I am getting healthier and stronger. It isn’t easy. I am strong enough to do it…and I have the support I need to continue doing the next right thing! Hugs to you on your journey!!!

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