standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Slipping and Sliding

on November 5, 2012

I made more good choices than poor ones yesterday…I distracted, distracted and distracted some more.  I didn’t restrict.  I didn’t fast.  I kept myself from harming myself…and then I didn’t.  I am trying to be proud of the good moments and know that hurting myself doesn’t fix anything.  It does stop the memories from flooding my mind and can keep the sadness away…but it’s not what I want to do.  And, in having my pastor say “You’ve been hurt so many times in the past.  You don’t have your mom or ex hurting you now…you surely don’t have to do it to yourself.”…it sunk in.  I know how to do physical pain.  When I perceive that I have messed up (yesterday it was blaming myself for not knowing the phone calls were going on behind my back), I feel and think I should be punished.  And I have recently taken on that role.  It can be argued that the ED played that role for a long time…that I felt I didn’t deserve food…that I punished myself by not eating…maybe that is true.  It’s taken on different meaning as I’ve healed. And, I am beginning to understand that others have hurt me…and I didn’t deserve it…and I do not have to be the one hurting myself now.  I can be free.

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