standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

PISSED!

on November 3, 2012

For someone who always overly-regulated their feelings (pretenders are really good at not recognizing their own feelings–everyone else’s matter more….the eating disorder helps further as all emotion–besides fear–is lost)–feeling pissed (and if I were not trying to keep this somewhat clean, I’d fully write out F’in pissed!!!) is new to me.  Irate, angry, attacked, slap in the face, violated….all those words come to mind.

 

The key players in last night’s issue would be my ex and my mom…two of the top people in my life who have berated me, hit me, screamed at me, caused me to question my worth, whether I was lovable…and so much more.

 

After the rape, memories of childhood abuse began to surface…in glaring detail…in flashback after flashback after flashback…it was so bad that I thought there was no possible way for it to have happened that way. I reached out to an aunt…who confirmed what I was remembering–and added her own details–making what ‘really happened’ quite horrible.  In talking with my brother and realizing we had the same memories–different circumstances, same responses…being thrown, threatened to be killed, squeezed, screamed at, bruised, hiding in closets, being chased….it was all there…abuse at the hands of both of our parents–for years and years and years.  I chose in June, as I realized what a trigger my mom, to cut off contact so that I could heal and set some boundaries in place.  Except for a brief phone call on my birthday in August and for hers in October, we have not spoken.

 

Imagine my surprise when the kids start talking about how they talk with Nanna “every time” they are at Daddy’s place…and that he bribes them to call her (they cannot play games on his phone unless they do)…and as those details began to surface, I got more and more pissed…not yelling or screaming…but seething…I am appalled that this was done behind my back…and that my ex and mom are talking a few times a week.

 

With the help of a couple good friends and then my psych (I love that he responds to email on a Saturday!): That it is underhanded and only serves to hurt already strained relationship by making calls behind my back.  I have established that the kids are welcome to call her from my house.  They will no longer make or receive calls to/from her at my ex’s.

 

That loud, angry, mean voice came back in my head last night–that I was an ungrateful bitch, what the f’ was my problem?, you’re such a f’ up…and all those things that I heard growing up and throughout my marriage.  I thought of restricting, I thought of drinking, I thought of scalding myself, I thought of fasting for a few days…

 

I chose not to.  Thoughts don’t have to become actions or behaviors…I got angry…I reached out…I set boundaries…I didn’t hurt myself in the process. And it is all okay.

Advertisements

One response to “PISSED!

  1. Realizing that I need to reach out on this part of the journey (like so many other parts)…I thought I’d share this link as it’s given me healthy ideas for setting boundaries. http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: