A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

A Muddled Mind

on October 30, 2012

Flashbacks and repressed memories have interesting ways of coming forward…for someone who never could’ve predicted that she had repressed memories (although really…do any of us ever think that?), this part of the process is terrifying.  I’ve tried to figure out triggers…I’ve created a comfort kit…I try not to isolate…I reach out…I share….I want to heal…I don’t want to hurt myself any longer.  The mind has such great ways of protecting us from trauma…and, as memories surface, part of me thinks “For as messed up as I feel I am…it could be so much worse….how could anyone survive all of this and still be standing?”.  My “timeline” has started to become more clear…a violent student began triggering some ‘fight or flight’ anxiety…which began showing up as neurological symptoms….the Chiari was diagnosed as I went through the medical crisis…my marriage, which was already controlling, began to become more abusive…there are the brain surgeries….the ED behaviors come to the surface…the marriage ends….the rape brings forth a whirlwind of repressed memories from the childhood abuse….the ED takes over…the anxiety is ever present…I truly do not have any moments that are not fear related…with refeeding, I begin to acknowledge the rape…and the childhood abuse…and, in the last couple weeks, begin to understand the extent of the domestic abuse.  The last two-three weeks have brought triggers I didn’t know were there…and flashbacks, flashes and memories mix and muddle…at times, I am unsure what was from the rape or from childhood or from marriage….And yet–I am reminded that I am stronger and healthier now.  And I don’t need to harm myself to hide from the emotion and the hurt that comes with such a muddled mind.  I can choose health…instead of harm…I can reach out to my support people…I can follow meal plan…I can think of harm and not act on it…I can enjoy the peaceful moments when they present themselves….I can heal. XOXO!!!


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