standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Trauma Trigger

on October 28, 2012

I guess it’s not surprising that triggers will continue to pop up…this one came in the form of a goodbye kiss. I have been thinking I am ready to begin dating and a friend introduced me to his friend.  He seems nice.  I am cautious.  The first person I dated after my marriage ended was the person who raped me. I am cautious.  The conversation was good…we laughed…we held hands…and there was a goodbye kiss.  It was a nice kiss.  I smiled.  I drove home and climbed into bed.  And then the shaking started and the racing heart and the facial tremors and the tears and the nausea….and the flashbacks. And I then spent the next 4-5hours in a panic attack…fully laced with fear and anxiety.  I’d like to be ready.  I don’t want a kiss to be followed by panic attacks. And so….I continue to do the trauma work…and to meet meal plan…and to reach out to my supports….and let myself cry…and I know (I hope and pray) that this feeling will not last forever.  Just like waves….the emotion will crash….and recede…and some will take me under, but I can always regain my footing and come up for air.  Because I am stronger than this.

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