standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

As the Blog Shifts….

on October 24, 2012

Sometimes, when I pause to think back on the last 2.5 years, I am astounded…and I think “There’s no way this all could’ve happened in that amount of time.”…and yet, it did.  I was so determined to do it…to keep my head up, to be ‘strong’, to keep a smile on my face…and I did.  I survived.  Against a great many number of odds, I survived.  I see now that survival also brought with it a loss of me…because someone can only smile through the pain for so long…because the mind, body and spirit can take beatings…but, at some point, the soul shouts “THIS IS ENOUGH!!!!”

 

I have said that, for as positive and optimistic as I am, it was in despair and weariness that I found my spirit.  And, I am…

 

For those who have recently started following this blog, it wasn’t designed to be an eating disorder recovery blog…or a rape support blog…or a domestic abuse blog…It started as an idea to support others who have neurological disorders and(or) have had brain surgery.  I couldn’t have predicted that starting this blog in the winter to reach out and support others as they journeyed on their brain-games that those next few months would bring a divorce and a rape and a massive relapse that thrust me back into the world of eating disorders.

 

And yet–I am still standing…I have been battered, but not broken.  I abandoned the “Everything happens for a reason” philosophy a year ago when a friend’s young son died suddenly.  I kept with the “It is what it is.”, Everyone is battling something.” and “Good comes from everything”…I believe both of those.  My pastor, who I adore, has also told me that sometimes “Shit just happens!”.  So, as I try, in the midst of traumas to find the good, that piece of insight enters my mind.  It keeps me reminded that good can come from every trauma–and I do believe it does–but I don’t have to pretend the trauma doesn’t hurt…I don’t have to hold in the tears…to keep a smile on my face…to be such a great pretender that even I have convinced myself that I am not bothered…

 

This is where the shift from surviving to thriving begins to take hold.  I cannot say that I am regaining part of myself in discovering that.  This is a new part of me.  I have never lived freely before.  I am learning what it means.

 

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