A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

The ups and downs of recovery

on October 23, 2012

I expected to be “cured” by now.  I expected to be fully recovered at the end of IOP, as well.  So…in the little details that are coming to the surface…pieces of the marriage I’d forgotten or had buried…and the realization that I don’t have clothing that fits now that the weather is turning colder…and who knows what else, I can feel the emotion bubbling back to the surface…

And so…I nearly skipped breakfast…I honestly forgot to eat…and remembered–a few hours ‘late’, but I did the next right thing and made plan.

It was in looking through an old journal that detailed Thanksgivings and Christmases and New Years and Anniversaries that the memories started to overwhelm me…which then led (if you are battling an eating disorder, this makes sense as a next logical step) to me finding a measuring tape in the sewing kit just to check those measurements….to the internet to figure out BMI…and then thoughts (even though my measurements are nearly identical to when I started IOP) of–Hey–ya know, a fast for the next day wouldn’t be that bad! (I see my psych tomorrow at 1pm…and, since I am honest with him, I would tell him…which would lead to a supplement…and really–what am I proving by fasting for a day?)…I don’t like that the ED thoughts are still there….and am working on using better strategies to work through the tears.

Sometimes I think–that world of restriction and fasting sure worked a hell of a lot better for pretending and keeping a smile on my face.  Then I remember the physical symptoms…and the brain symptoms…and the fact that losing emotion also means losing genuine laughter and true smiles…and I know that I want recovery more than anything I have ever wanted….I want it with every part of me….and I will keep fighting.


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