standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Who Am I?

on October 21, 2012

As I have rid myself of ED behaviors, I have struggled with wondering–Who Am I???  So much of what I did became who I was.  And, in losing the ED aspects (perfectionism, not eating, berating myself, negating my feelings, ignoring self-care) I felt I was losing more and more of me.  I’d spent the marital separation/divorce finding more and more of me….realizing that an unhealthy marriage and the fact I was willing to let many pieces of my feelings, wants and needs go in order to make the marriage “work” (note to self and others–one person should not be doing 100% of the work for each person in the marriage…and, when the marriage counselor looks at your ex and says “She is doing everything in this marriage…if you want this to succeed, you have got to do something!–that’s a sign that you are not just thinking you are doing it all, but really are.)….the rape took away the parts of me I thought I knew….and in those months following, where restriction and fasting took the place of much else (except parenting–my “pretender” abilities were still superb–I had a smile on my face and parented beautifully–was never even frustrated–never raised a voice–we visited the zoo and water park, went on nature hikes, took trips to the library–even DisneyWorld!!!)…and with refeeding when treatment took all I had….it hit me hard this last week…do I know who I am?

Who am I???  I can say “Mom” without batting an eye… but I got lost after that.  It was  in reopening my blog and seeing the “About Me” aspect that I realized–Ahhhh–that “you” in February was onto something!!!

What to say?  I can provide the basics…mid-30′s, mom, single, teacher, friend, survivor…but that doesn’t give much, does it?  I am passionate…I love music and sunshine…my word is impeccable…I am truly grateful for the warmth of sunshine and a soft breeze…I love freely and deeply…I close my eyes when I am deep in thought…I love to smile and laugh….I share my nuances and innermost thoughts as a way to reach out….to support….to encourage….to be as genuine and authentic as I can possibly be.

That is me…and spiritual…quieting my mind and body this last year–as I healed from brain surgery…as I healed from the abusive marriage…as I healed from the rape…and a I recover from the eating disorder–it’s allowed me to hear and to listen.  I could have never predicted this journey I am traveling…and to have the goodness that comes from everything….even trauma–or maybe, especially from trauma.

I  can do this.  And I can promise you this…you can too.

XOXO,

KJ

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6 responses to “Who Am I?

  1. Mike says:

    You have a good way with words and good words to have a good way with.

  2. KJ says:

    Thank you, Mike…Two and a half years ago (when I was a healthy 32-year old, married, full-time teacher, mom of two small children) I would’ve never been able to predict what these years would bring…I know they have brought me to a place where I am truly discovering the person I am.

  3. fashion weekender/ oversized tote bag with fleur de lis accents says:

    My bro bookmarked this webpage for me and I have been reading through it for the past couple hrs. This is really going to benefit me and my friends for our class project. By the way, I enjoy the way you write.

  4. Denise Hisey says:

    You said that so well about what we do defining who we are. It’s an easy trap to fall into.
    I love your blog!

    • Thank you 🙂 It’s such a journey…and as I have regained so many aspects of me, I am finding which parts are truly the core of me. I’m liking those pieces…and I feel at peace with them. Now that I am not anxious or fearful all the time, I am better able to notice what doesn’t ‘feel right’…so, those pieces can go!!!

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