A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely


on August 24, 2012

Ahhh yes….after 22 years of restricting and fasting, apparently now that I am eating, my body is on overload.  I’ve entered the world of hypermetabolism.  In short, this means that I restricted calories and fat for years and years and years…and, now that I am eating every 3-4 hours and getting an appropriate amount of carbs, proteins and fats, my body systems are revving back up…and I’m losing weight!  Which is so ironic…this was never really about body image for me…I like being thin, but it was more of an approval, affection, control aspect…and obviously my brain was predisposed…in addition to many other factors.  So, it makes me laugh a little to see that eating more than I have EVER eaten in my life is causing me to lose weight.

In an effort to show some growth…I am not freaking out over the supplement I had at group last night…and I am trusting my treatment team…my meal plan will be upped, but I am okay with it…scared, yes…but okay…because I really do want to heal.

A couple weeks ago I destroyed the wall in the kitchen after a difficult group…and have been destroying other proverbial walls as   I relearn what it feels like to feel.  As scary as those emotions were, I am not on overload…I am tearing down all sorts of walls in me…and it is so freeing!  I took my scale and measuring tape to group this week and turned them in.  We joked that I should’ve taken a hammer to the scale, just like the wall!!!  I feel relieved to have it out of the house…and have come to realize just how much of a behavior it was for me to weigh myself.  I will say…I was certain that I’d probably gained 15lbs between M and W (after turning in the scale on M)…but, I know that that was ED trying to trick me.  My clothes still fit the same, so my voice is telling me that falling for one more of Ed’s lies is not wise.  That ED…I tell ya…I always thought he was a pretty good friend…a comfy coat I could snuggle with…and, he really got me through some really challenging times…but, ED is nasty–he lies to get his way, he’s mean, he berates…he’s the sneakiest enemy.  And, now that he is quieter, my compassionate inner voice is louder–and I’m listening.

Off to continue with my sweaty self…but, ya know?  I’ll take this over that girl who had to pretend all the time…and had lost the ability to be sad or happy or angry or excited…this sweaty girl knows how to live and have fun…I like her.



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