A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Week 2

on August 9, 2012

I’ve made it to week 2!!

I have realized I was starting to restrict on my meal plan…I was ‘meeting’ the daily goals, but was aiming at the lower end of the range to meet each piece…I guess restricting is an old habit that dies hard.  But, I brought it up with my ED psychologist…and it didn’t seem to surprise him.  Apparently, I am not the first to attempt this ‘trick’. (and…they seem to know all my tricks!!!)

Being honest is new for me…not because I set out to hide things, but because I was in the dark with myself…I really did think I was doing okay!  I thought I was handling things really well!  And, really…I was…outwardly…but, that berating, mean, insensitive inner voice was on all.the.time.  No reprieve.  Nothing was good enough.  Every mistake was blown out of proportion. I was never doing enough.  I was never good enough.  If only people knew the ‘real me’ then they’d realize what a fuck up I was.  Being authentic and genuine and honest with myself means I can be that way with other people…and truly…there are so many non-judgmental people around me now…they love me for me.

That’s allowing me to heal…I am not hiding things from myself and I am asking my friends to help me figure out normal…and I am starting to wonder how I’ve lived this way for so long…because I like this new way much better!!!

And, in a positive “Fuck It!” moment, after a texting argument with my mom (who is trying to figure out why I’ve been avoiding her), I was going to skip lunch…I was worked up, nauseous and absolutely not remotely hungry…but then I thought “And what will this prove??”…so, I said “Fuck It…I will not let this control me right now!”…and I ate…and I kept it in.

Score another point for me….ED-zero!!!!

Tomorrow….I will share my trip to the grocery store in an attempt to grab a dinner prior to group that would meet my plan…



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