standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Journey to the center of….me….

on August 1, 2012

Brain surgeries and a neurological disorder certainly have their ways with assisting in soul searching…and my discoveries in the last few months have proven to me, beyond doubt, that it is a tangled web we weave.  In pulling at those loose strands on the web, more and more untangles…and I unravel myself…I keep thinking there must not be much more there as I have uncovered so much…and it has not ceased to amaze me how much was there…and I just didn’t remember it.  It has been in figuring out the unhealthy marriage….and childhood abuse (I thought we all had dysfunctional families…apparently, mine goes beyond that and into some sort of twisted abuse on so many levels that it leaves my mind overwhelmed).  What it has gotten me to is the core of me…and I really am liking me.  It’s nice to not be living in fear, to think about myself and realize it’s not selfish or self-centered…but self care.

I’ve journeyed more and more to the core of me and have had spiritual guidance and friends who have been instrumental in this journey…for many things…but, mainly for accepting me as me…knowing what I am neurotic about, knowing my passions, knowing my struggles…and they still love and support me.  This absolutely overwhelms me and tears me up to think about it.

I saw a quote about not identifying yourself as depressed until you look around and be sure you are not surrounded by assholes…I am understanding just how much of my inner circle was highly critical…and it changed my self talk to be one of constant berating and nothing could be good enough.  Not in dealing with other people, but with accepting my own missteps or mistakes.  Perfection was key (and no, I didn’t ever think I was a perfectionist…I really thought this was how everyone operated!)–go above and beyond, more than your best–and any mistakes would be thought about, wrote about, thought about some more, berated, attacked…That was my standard operating mode…but I started to create a safe haven in my head where unkind words or berating thoughts are not welcome…and my new inner voice is kind and compassionate and strong…and supportive…and when the other voice starts to rear its ugly head, it sounds an awful lot like my ex husband or parents…and I am not letting their unsupportive voices live there anymore.

Treatment officially started this week for something I have been battling for 22 years…and getting to this point has been terrifying…even to blog about it brings some anxiety as I’ve told close friends, but not many…and I’m not ready to share my face publicly on it (I did type publicly…and contemplated keeping it…it did make me smile and laughter is part of this!!!).  But, I’ve made the choice to share…not on FB or *my* other sites…but here…because, if my journey to the center of me can help someone else, I am willing to take that step.  And, I am willing to share the ins and outs of treatment because, as I found last night at my first session…there are people like me…and it feels good to know I don’t have to battle this alone.

And with that…more details will come…that is not meant to be a “teaser”…but I will go ahead and post and then make sure my identifying information is hidden…so I can just be the 30-something year old single mom who is finding herself…and is ready to be free…and not just to survive, but to live this beautiful life!!!

Please remember…you truly are not alone…wherever you are in this life journey…xoxo!

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